Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Two words: blizzard sex
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo