I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
