p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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