I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
