chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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