I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
