by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
