Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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