five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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