Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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