I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is it penis luge time yet?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize