well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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