We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
