Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
