Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
