I want you more than these girls want KFC
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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