I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
