stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
