It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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