All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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