Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.