i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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