I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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