Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
