im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great