Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him