I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
