How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
