i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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