??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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