you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
