My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
