Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
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...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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