I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
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To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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