he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
