sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
