I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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