im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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