I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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