I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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