if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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