You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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