One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
