Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
