I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
