Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
