I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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