Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize