a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
