I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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