I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
