I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He felt like a one man threesome
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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