She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
