If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
