At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
