his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
