high people should be assigned attendants
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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